Sunday, July 29, 2012

Carpe Diem

With a grin on my face I met the world
it was the best defense I had

wrinkles in time, folds of yesterday and tomorrow coming together
in one big fat now, one yesterday in a lump of today
I drove up to the rusty bridge and hoped it would hold
as they pointed the radar gun at me
yes!, I did pass inspection.

When I chucked Four door doves don't ski 
off the patio and onto the parking lot
I did not expect Fr. Gregory to return it to me
Crime and Punishment visited me later
much to my chagrin and hard it was on my wallet
and my soul

Who are these people? Why did they find me?
I did not go looking for them!
11 children. Evicted from her home. Goats upon delivery as the tire went flat in the speed trap.
who are you? How did you find me?
I can't fix or repair myself. Stop! I stand athwart the sand of time and I say halt?
no. it does not stop. I have 3 good legs. So they tell me.
the buffalo springfield raises me down to the pavement. No lumps in me as they cover me up.
let the haters hate! let the lovers love! It matters not to me!
Let me life be as it is. I did not choose all this! As much as I am to blame for my own mistakes 
as much as they might honor me
I did what I had to do. 
I was an unprofitable servant. I did what I was told to do.

I has hope, so said the cat. I love you, so said the dog. 
I will not give up, so said the weed in the ditch. 
How can I? said the man without a grave. 
There will come a time when I and my last electrons and all the substance that is me
goes to rest in the dust. It is better to hear the song of mourners For that is the end of all men.
Seize the day! Seize the moment! Shed no tears for me! Laugh and be happy!
For this day will be no more. Take this time to love and be loved. 
We get no better chance than now. 

Friday, July 13, 2012

Life goes on, whether we do or not

I heard a widow say one time when she was sitting in the back yard looking around
"The grass keeps growing." Life had kept on moving while she was dealing with the big sad.
Everybody gets sad, it is a fact of human existence. What we do with it and how we deal with it is up to us.
Last time I visited this page I was starting to realize that what I thought was there was not.
That what I wanted and what she wanted were and are two entirely different things. That can be a shock.

I had to let it go. I had to step back and look around at all the other stuff of a relationship.
Do we actually get along? Do we enjoy each other's company? Are we good for each other?
I can honestly say "no" to all of those questions. It wasn't fun all the time as a matter of fact there were some that were genuinely worried about me when they saw pictures of me. From across the ocean somebody saw the sadness behind my eyes. That was probably 6 months ago, before I finally said, "You want me out? Fine, I am gone." That wasn't the first time she had said it, but that time I took her up on it. I made it stick when she called me about fifteen minutes down the road and I made it stick again when I came back to get the rest
of my stuff. I gave in later. I gave in when she said, "Come see me". Maybe I had to go back one more time. Maybe I needed reminders of why I left. It is still hard for me to let someone go. It isn't as though there aren't  others out there that want my time and my body and brain. There are lots of fish in the sea and apparently they like my hook.

Tuesday, July 03, 2012

somme was there was death and the revealing
flowers in the distance
of blasted trees and holes in the ground
wherewith we hid ourselves
saki died there hh munro with stories in his head, laughingatmadness

how so can i survive this day?
save me ghosts and saints
send prayers and hopes and a few syllables me way
down in the gutter where the dirt and silt and the rain and the sweat
are all I have in my hand
shake out your boot from the pebble that irks you

she is there and here and over and there and
what the hell was i thinking@!
i just want a warm bed and somewhere to lay me head
up against someone else in a somewhat clean house
where i dont have to worry about where she is
or when i might hear from her again

i know where mom is sleeping
i know where the dog is
i know where my daughter lays her head
but where I might find my other half
i just dont know
the one i thought i had
died one christmas
life is not for the the lonely
lonely are the brave

dirt and much tears and sweat and blood and the occasional scar
have been the sum total of my life
somewhere somehow
i gotta make it til tomorrow
i used to think i knew where i was going
now i just hope i am headed in sort of the right direction

i saw a tree
and i think it saw me too
i saw a lizard and it posed
i saw a wave on the ocean
and i thought i was there

i read a book and i dreamed i was there
reality took me back
and i fought it
i grasped at the vision in me head
paper and pen were not enough
it eluded me
these electrons on the page are all that I have left
in the murky hours of the night