as the night unwinds

well sure it is shopped!
He can pray over the thin white duke too
while he feels for Bethlehem
I like this friend of mine from far away
i really really do

did he watch the game too?
did he see the prematurely bald man calling for beers and kisses
did he see the petulant child leave the press
I doubt it. He was probably making his guard
double time it again as he went out
in the street
that's where you find him restless
looking for another soul to save
never quit fishing

i love him

I was there
and she was with me
I only get so many seconds in this life
so many drips of time in the glass
falling on my and where was I then? I was there! I was and then we were gone
I was someone then. I had me and there i was. Leaves in the wind
caught in the foam of the flowering water
smokes of yesterday on the wind
we go there often and it is never there again

wordlessly watching the time as it happens

i sat there and the thoughts were there

when and if the moment comes

I shall try to remember to move

we only get so many days

so very few it seems

considering I shall never live to see 

the seedlings of the bristlecone or the eggs of the tortoise

but i do get this

i do have this much of me to invest

Visiting the Personality Cafe

wordsmith, beat out the keys upon your digitizer of thoughts
find some way to make the amorphous feelings get some root
that cur dog that barked at you when you offered it water
it drank it but only after you put it down and got back
getting closer only made it angry and afraid

all the old despair of ever understanding what cannot be understood
of gunshots to the head in a polar vortex moment when time ceases to be linear
rattling back at me as if it were a chained hammer come back around to swing at me again
the dust of a decade has settled on that relationship
the divorce has hardened me and the absurdity of human behavior
is in sharper focus and I don't like it any more then than I do now
even if I am sometimes entertained by it

wave on wave of emotions that I had rather not have
shocking moments of events unplanned and surprises unforeseen
there is no measuring the strangeness of this life

what if we do have an emotional intelligence?
what if machiavelli had it too?
the carnival barker surely does
and so the other temptations of this life
hoyt axton wrote the song and steppenwolf played it
and my sentiments are the same
though I won't name it in polite company
playing them like a fiddle, toying with their feelings
is a hard harvest 

I will stop thinking about it pretty soon
some other thing will come to interest me
but at the moment I would really like to know
and that means much more reading and testing


somewhere in my gut I am not sure I ever will
but it might prove useful along the way

hand of doom

Run rabbit run.
And take the sparrow with you.
Tell the snake to crawl away lest they also fall under my scythe of raining death.
Oppenheimer sat down beside the glass sand
of atomic apocalypse
and he cried
at the work of cunning minds and skillful hand. 
Fear of the yawning chasm 
overtook his heart staring at the chaos.
 All they told me to do was make grass green. 
They didn't tell me about tater beetles and sarin gas.

Moving On with clenched fist and perhaps a bit of hope

Emil Nolde.
Woodcut
"The Prophet"


















I kept my cool this day
and it was not easy on St.Padric's day
No, indeed it was not
I had had a bellyful of lies already
the last one was worst than the first
do not put the words of the snitch into my mouth
I did not say them
come to me honestly and put some truth in there
if it is still in you
I might still talk to you
as it was I fought off the itch in my fist
and the holler in my soul

No longer will I be your hourly slave to dismiss
as the wind is too cold for you to bear
neither will I wear your colors
no, I remain here a fortnight for those fellows I have fought alongside
you sir can go suck up to some boss somewhere up the food chain
your predicament is no cause of mine
neither will I aid you in any way
what you have made is your own

but you never saw it
never saw it coming did you?
loud cursing I heard but not in my ears
have they come to roost for you?
those birds of carrion

what comes after I am gone is not for me to concern myself with
I will keep working as I did before
from the very first day I set foot on the property
I'll leave with better than I was given
because I earned it
and it wasn't yours to keep from me

the words may come back to you some day
if the sleep escapes you this night
it will find me in a few minutes
for the adrenaline has worn away
john barleycorn has done his job well
even if we did throw clods upon his head
he pushed them back and struggled up
waving in the wind, shining and shimmering in the sun

fare thee well my fellows
hale and hardy I pass by as a ghost in your midst
not long for this place said the short timer
glad tidings and will you someday some time
I might call you
give me your number and your name
for I go on from here
what you make of it all
that is up to you

in the shaking of my self
i kept the words in my head
when the last lie was worse than the first
quivering in anger I kept working
it was fight or flight
and I kept my head down and did not look him in the eye
or else all hell might break loose
professional demeanor, salute the uniform and not the man
if he tells me he is tired of hearing my voice
or seeing my face
I will be glad to go on from there
but there is so much to do
and we are so far behind
I don't think he has a choice in the matter

Broken dreams

whiskey in the jar o

because you know she drank me easy

Dreams of me when i was young

dreams of me when i was there in full regalia

80 years ago before i parted light

who was the atoms before I was borne?

some they like a fowling

some they like a fishing

and some they like to hear the cannon balls a roaring

me? I like sleeping

especially in her chamber

i had dreams, good ones they were

i had them in my hand

and like sand they slipped the gaps

not sick and not well

said  i was the philosopher farmer 

weeded and wedded to the land of ants

go f yourself bitch

i gotta go work today

blood, sweat and tears are my share

the music follows me around

strains of what i once knew

it calls me and beckons hard

come to us again

please

we miss you

i can feel it, i can hear it

on the border

right over there on the other side

come on horse, let's go home

I had dreams of youth

believe it or not

and some i smashed with my very own hands

others died of their own accord 

tomorrow rises again

yet another day

of sweat, hours and perhaps some blood

the band played on

Dilapidated Road Hazard

I have the oldest truck in the place
it should have been taken offline
about 5 years, 2 transmissions repairs
and untold gallons of gasoline ago

I go where they tell me to
and then wonder why they can't figure
if they send me here and there
the other stuff I am supposed to do
doesn't get done
no, we didn't skip those spots
we haven't finished yet
yes sir, will have him there tomorrow
provided he doesn't have to be
somewhere else

Utility man
put me in the field wherever you want me to play
I can pitch if you want me to
or out there in the field
I really do not care
that is all on you
but remember this
if another team comes calling
offering a better deal
adios muchachos

I really don't particularly give a damn

has to be one of the best lines ever
he is walking out
where will I go? what will I do?
frankly, I don't give a damn

best fucking  line ever.
will brace myself for the onslaught..

here,

have a flower

it's chenille

look, I did not make you

or me

I did not wire your harness

nor mine

all i can do is deal with what I have

here

and now

what? you thought it would make sense?

as if you or I would make some 

semblance of reason together?

not so 

no

not so dearest friend

best we can do

is muddle along

2+2 = 4

it took him 400 goddamn pages 

to prove that

i shit you not

That is Shoeless Joe

I think he was a pretty good guy

in retrospect, after all is said and done

after nemesis found the hubris

i still think he is ok

there was a day

long ago for you and me

but in regards to time

why it was yesterday

was a couple of men that walked in that liquor store

or was it a store of stuff

who knows?

grantland rice and ty cobb

back from augusta

with bobby and the boys

there was joe

behind the counter

grantland said to ty, turn here and we will find him

and so they did

give me the bottle up over there

ring ring ring

Joe? aren't you gonna say somethin?

Ty. I wasn't sure you wanted me too

and Grantland wrote it all down

If i ever live to be a thousand or nearly so

same as Methuselah

I will never understand

I am a dolt

a fool

no better than a bump in the road

all i have are a few mumbles

pictures 

and words from somebody else

No more hurting people. Peace.

that is what his poster said.
tears well up.
sounds so damn simple from the voice of a child
wearing his jersey of the wheel of a hub of Boston Bruins
missing a tooth
does it really matter where he was standing or what he was doing?

yeah why


why does it happen?

candyland

what brings us here?
is there an invisible sun?
wrestling with the existence
I want to know what makes people kill boys like this
or why we have to send out drones
I guess it was cheaper to fly in  by wire than send men in
and a duffell bag of a bomb with a cell phone to activate it.

I don't want to have to think about these things!

It makes me think back to the day of 911
that morning
I think of it again
it wasn't that long ago we remembered ten years in Iraq

complacency said the Senator from KY
it is difficult to restrain the anger




 I know that face
and the sun is set to rise
dear god, let him rest well
even if he who made him die
can find no place here to lay down

i want to cry out
this just ain't right

Seen any hope or joy around?

I re-read an entry into this digital diary of sorts written about 2 years ago. I was out of a job and in the middle of having to move. It was a particularly bad time. I heard the other day that David Letterman gave an interview to somebody or another, a frank and open interview, in which he told of his struggle with depression. In his understanding of the condition he likened it to having 20/20 vision of the world. Seeing the world with a clear vision of how awful it really can be. Is this to say that those of us that are experiencing joy are somehow looking at the world through eyes that see less than they are capable of seeing? Or do they simply not choose to look upon those things that are terrible and ugly? Is truth beautiful or ugly or neither or both? Perhaps I am trying too hard to distill down everything into one lump that is either/or. Perhaps all of life is a mixture of good and bad. 

It is funny to me how I can find humor in odd spots and laugh at things that shouldn't be funny. Why did you laugh at that sir? I do not know, somehow it was funny at the time. I know a thing or two of gallows humor. Laughing in the midst of a horrific situation because at that moment there is no time for reflection. Laugh at the absurdity of it. Later we can be hurt and angry. Right now we have to deal with this situation. It isn't always funny. Sometimes there just isn't anything to laugh at and the absurdity of it all confounds me. 

Absurd random chance, both good and bad, happens to everybody. Whether we like it or not, this world is not under our control no matter how much we would like it to be. The best we can do is to control ourselves. I can't control the behavior of an ant. I can't even remotely eliminate them. Keeping them at bay is the best I can hope for. 

Keep the world at bay. That is probably your best shot at survival. Let's just deal with survival shall we? Thriving and growing for another day. Let's just stay alive first ok? This is the attitude of the cactus. It is part of why I admire them. Survival in a harsh and unforgiving land. If that prickly pear can withstand Texas every summer then I can too. If it can soak up the infrequent good rains that come its way and make flower and produce seed and fruit then it has exceeded expectations. I can ask no more. It is my task to make the most of the good times and slog through the bad. Survive, then you can thrive. 

Carpe Diem

With a grin on my face I met the world

it was the best defense I had

wrinkles in time, folds of yesterday and tomorrow coming together

in one big fat now, one yesterday in a lump of today

I drove up to the rusty bridge and hoped it would hold

as they pointed the radar gun at me

yes!, I did pass inspection.

When I chucked Four door doves don't ski 

off the patio and onto the parking lot

I did not expect Fr. Gregory to return it to me

Crime and Punishment visited me later

much to my chagrin and hard it was on my wallet

and my soul

Who are these people? Why did they find me?

I did not go looking for them!

11 children. Evicted from her home. Goats upon delivery as the tire went flat in the speed trap.

who are you? How did you find me?

I can't fix or repair myself. Stop! I stand athwart the sand of time and I say halt?

no. it does not stop. I have 3 good legs. So they tell me.

the buffalo springfield raises me down to the pavement. No lumps in me as they cover me up.

let the haters hate! let the lovers love! It matters not to me!

Let me life be as it is. I did not choose all this! As much as I am to blame for my own mistakes 

as much as they might honor me

I did what I had to do. 

I was an unprofitable servant. I did what I was told to do.

I has hope, so said the cat. I love you, so said the dog. 

I will not give up, so said the weed in the ditch. 

How can I? said the man without a grave. 

There will come a time when I and my last electrons and all the substance that is me

goes to rest in the dust. It is better to hear the song of mourners For that is the end of all men.

Seize the day! Seize the moment! Shed no tears for me! Laugh and be happy!

For this day will be no more. Take this time to love and be loved. 

We get no better chance than now. 

Life goes on, whether we do or not

I heard a widow say one time when she was sitting in the back yard looking around
"The grass keeps growing." Life had kept on moving while she was dealing with the big sad.
Everybody gets sad, it is a fact of human existence. What we do with it and how we deal with it is up to us.
Last time I visited this page I was starting to realize that what I thought was there was not.
That what I wanted and what she wanted were and are two entirely different things. That can be a shock.

I had to let it go. I had to step back and look around at all the other stuff of a relationship.
Do we actually get along? Do we enjoy each other's company? Are we good for each other?
I can honestly say "no" to all of those questions. It wasn't fun all the time as a matter of fact there were some that were genuinely worried about me when they saw pictures of me. From across the ocean somebody saw the sadness behind my eyes. That was probably 6 months ago, before I finally said, "You want me out? Fine, I am gone." That wasn't the first time she had said it, but that time I took her up on it. I made it stick when she called me about fifteen minutes down the road and I made it stick again when I came back to get the rest
of my stuff. I gave in later. I gave in when she said, "Come see me". Maybe I had to go back one more time. Maybe I needed reminders of why I left. It is still hard for me to let someone go. It isn't as though there aren't  others out there that want my time and my body and brain. There are lots of fish in the sea and apparently they like my hook.

somme was there was death and the revealing
flowers in the distance
of blasted trees and holes in the ground
wherewith we hid ourselves
saki died there hh munro with stories in his head, laughingatmadness

how so can i survive this day?
save me ghosts and saints
send prayers and hopes and a few syllables me way
down in the gutter where the dirt and silt and the rain and the sweat
are all I have in my hand
shake out your boot from the pebble that irks you

she is there and here and over and there and
what the hell was i thinking@!
i just want a warm bed and somewhere to lay me head
up against someone else in a somewhat clean house
where i dont have to worry about where she is
or when i might hear from her again

i know where mom is sleeping
i know where the dog is
i know where my daughter lays her head
but where I might find my other half
well
well
i just dont know
the one i thought i had
died one christmas
life is not for the the lonely
lonely are the brave

dirt and much tears and sweat and blood and the occasional scar
have been the sum total of my life
somewhere somehow
i gotta make it til tomorrow
i used to think i knew where i was going
now i just hope i am headed in sort of the right direction

i saw a tree
and i think it saw me too
i saw a lizard and it posed
i saw a wave on the ocean
and i thought i was there

i read a book and i dreamed i was there
reality took me back
and i fought it
i grasped at the vision in me head
paper and pen were not enough
it eluded me
these electrons on the page are all that I have left

in the murky hours of the night

bootcactus
flowerinclay

how

doIsurvive?

eachday

oneday

isfollowed,bythenight

andthenthesun

comesagain

whenIremember

tinycactus

growinginflint

seedscast

generations,ago

ifigure

ought

tohangon

too

battlefiends

whenwill

it

end

pleasestop

findsome

peace

in

your

self

tiredoflooking

for

kindness

and

finding

grim

passthatlamp

overhere

Diogenes

Root hog

Brodt!

I suppose I just have to keep on digging. Somewhere somehow some way.
The other side of the river and the valley. I do not know what is there.
I hear the platitudes. I hear the well wishes. I sense the compassion and care.
I have to do it myself. And I get a lot of help.

Bad recordings of things we tell ourselves and others have to show us

the silliness of what we believed. perception of us as we saw ourselves in another
it is like the man said to me about all manner of therapy
when we have been wounded
the ultimate answer and final resolution after we have cried our tears
and been consoled in our misery
is to pick yourself up and get going again
Get up and go out the door out on the street all alone. Busted if need be

Crushing Depression

I have heard the term before. I have probably seen it in other people. Now, I get to experience it for myself.

I suppose I can go copy and paste some clinical checkmarks to describe how I feel right now, but even that seems like a waste of time. I know them by heart anyhow.
1) nothing seems to matter. what I do seems to have no positive impact on my life. No matter how many resumes I send out or how much I polish my resume, there is no response. The things that I do seem to have no importance.
2)It is hard to be around other people. If I could lock myself away or walk off into the wilderness and abandon it all, I would be sorely tempted to do so. I can't because I am a dad and a member of a family that would break down the door or send bloodhounds to find me.
3)I have no desire to do anything. When I can muster up the energy to do things they have lost flavor and any impetus for me to continue doing them.

Ok, I am rapidly losing the desire to even write this down. Nobody will read this besides me and it sounds too much like whining. It is so hard to go out and look for a job that I know is not there. It is hard to see people that do nothing and have more money than they know what to do with. It makes me jealous and angry. I can understand why people would eat a bullet or down a bottle of pills or drive off a cliff. It feels like God has set me adrift. I can understand why someone would become agnostic or actively dismiss God entirely. Yeah, I might be saved into the Bosom of Abraham, but I might also be the starving leper outside the gate of the rich man destined to poverty my entire natural life and only after dying experience my basic needs of existence met. That prospect does not engender hope in me. The fact is that even Jesus himself said that the poor would always be with us. Perhaps the "us" is me. I do not think he was referring to the poverty of the soul. I think he meant what we generally understand as poor; broke, unemployed and without visible means of support. Elijah got sent to the poorest widow in town and her one son and then asked them to bake the last bit of meal they had and feed it to him. She has more faith than I do. Abraham was told to sacrifice his son and got held back at the last second. Job sat there and pondered his fate, argued with his friends and even was so bold to ask God "why". The answer he got was simply, sit there and take it, you're man and I am God. Not telling you why I do what I do or when I am going to do it. Gee, that makes me feel SO MUCH BETTER. Random chance is even more impersonal. At least the despondent believer can still cling to the idea that he might be saved from himself. The atheist believer in random chance has resigned themselves to the idea that very little in this life time is at our control or that things happen for any reason whatsoever.

Gone by the point of caring. some old bed i'll soon be sharing
Gloom, despair and agony on me. If it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all.

It is so tempting to curl up on the couch and shut out this day, but I have to come to grips with the failure of my life and continue packing up my stuff as evidence of it. I hate moving, even under the best of circumstances and these are decidedly not that.